He's only been gone for 2 days now...but I feel all blue & gloomy 'cause he's gone.
He’s in Portland for a Donald Miller conference on 'Story' - and I'm truly excited for him to be there. Incidentally, we recently went thru Don's new book, A Million Miles in A Thousand Years, with our big kids, for our summer reading. I highly, highly recommend it; potentially a life-changing book.
So Kevin is at this conference on living intentionally, making your life a story worth following...confronting fears, creating adventure, pursuing the epic. And he’s there with his dad, Dan Miller, his brother, Jared, his Uncle Nate, FAA professor Justin Lukasavige, and some other colleagues from Free Agent Academy. I’m praying that he gets some much-needed quality time with his dad. Time to address a growing distance, time to connect, embrace the mutual gratitude they ought to have for one another. Something we all need to revisit in adulthood, especially with our fathers, and our ever-present, unavoidably instinctive need for their affirmation.
Lately I’ve been accusing Kevin of looking to me for too much of that affirmation. I feel weary of his need for my constant ego-building encouragement and pursuit of intimacy. Feels like he wants so much of me, in all the little things, when I feel so tapped out already.
The petulant little girl in me has stamped her foot, and whined, “but I don’t feeeeel like it...”
Out in the golden autumn sunshine today, a voice whispered in the wind:
Love isn’t about a feeling.
Love is about making a choice.
Even when it feels like the asking is too much. Even when I feel so overwhelmed already.
In the big things, and especially in the little things.
I miss my husband.
I miss how he
Changes the baby’s diaper at 6:30am after nursing time
And does morning-duty with all the little ones
So I can sleep a bit more, or have quiet time, or take an uninterrupted shower
Brings me a plate of fresh fruit to start the day
Makes coffee just for me, just the way I like it
Announces my morning arrival downstairs like I’m Miss America
Makes an extra loaf of beer bread well-done
Doesn’t put fruit in my pancakes
Hangs the dry towel by the shower for me
Tells me I’m a beautiful woman
Kisses my shoulder
Raves about my cooking even when its only tomato soup for lunch
Waves his arms in the air & sings ‘amen’
Sits by Serene AND Nekoda at mealtime
Splashes on a bit of Aspen cologne, just for me, just for no reason
Plays silly ‘theme’ music to match our dinner
Brings a glass of red wine & splash of peach schnapps, exactly the way I like it
Insists on sitting next to me, always
Puts the little ones to bed, giving me time to write
Wants me to walk the loop with him, holding hands, at dusk
Does final kitchen tidy & starts dishwashers
Locks up the house for bedtime
Leaves the closet light on for me if I’m up late
Gets me a clean pillowcase
Lights the candle
Prays with me at bedtime
Holds me even tho we won’t sleep that way
Pulls extra covers over to my side
Kisses my toes with his toes just as we’re falling asleep
I miss my husband.
I miss the way he chooses to Love me. In big ways, and in so many little ways.
Today I'm convicted that I’ve been focusing too much on how I feeeeel about loving him. And not enough on choosing to love him. Today I pray that he is receiving affirmation from his dad, and I pray that when he comes home I’ll be more aware & willing to serve, give, and choose to love him well.
O God, What would his list of ‘little things’ be?
Am I choosing to love him, in the little things?
Have I been missing it?
Do you need to choose to love, in the little things?