There were dark days this winter.
Endless mornings of bitter cold and dim light; wishing I could stay curled up in bed and avoid the drudgery of housework, chasing after little ones, laundry, bills, home school lessons... Each day so much the same as the one before, mind-numbing with repetitiveness.
Nothing to complain about; everything to be thankful for. But gratitude evaded me. The bitterness of a critical spirit kept my teeth on edge and my head aching with disappointment, resentment, exhaustion.
I slept for hours, yet never rested. Painted on a happy-holidays smile, but remained hollow inside. Lost the motivation to get up, get out, get along with anyone or anything. Heart sickness drug me down, deeper & deeper, until physical sickness took hold. Strep, flu, sinus infection...
I left the doctor's office with a prescription for antibiotics, and a strange new diagnosis: S.A.D. (No kidding, doc - I'm sad. Tell me something I don't know!) A step beyond the winter blues, Seasonal Affective Disorder can you leave you feeling lethargic, tearful, apathetic, depressed. And it all made sense - the chilling lowlight of winter sun in our mountain home, depletion of immunity-building vitamin D in my body, cold temperatures keeping me indoors & away from sun exposure & exercise & alone time & prayer...
I was suffering from lack of sun exposure, no doubt. And along with that -
I was suffering from lack of Son exposure.
I would crawl into bed at night and cry to my husband:
"There's just no light at the end of the tunnel!"
From November thru February, the bleak words repeated in my head, tumbled hopelessly from my lips:
"Just. no. light. at the end of the tunnel."
Darkness so black, so endless, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face.
And then the Cross crashed in.
No, not with blinding light or burning bushes...
the cross crashed in with a simple, quiet voice in my head:
You don't need to see the light at the end of the tunnel;
You just need to have faith it's there.
It was still dark. I didn't see the light. But I believed it was there.
And maybe with a little help from vitamin D supplements, and working with a counselor, and forcing myself to get outside...
things got brighter, bit by teeny-tiny bit.
We got over a foot of snow this past weekend. It was so cold, cloudy, dim.
But today dawned bright & sunshiny warm.
There will still be dark days. Days when I've gotta choose to have faith in that Light I can't see. But for now,