So I've been 'playing' with this blog thing for awhile. At Kevin's urging. But its mostly been for my own therapy, and in response to this quiet, nagging call I feel from God. And then a few days ago, Kevin decides to take it public. sorta. Well, at least to his Free Agent Academy members. But after days in a row of writing, working on the little typepad blog page...with so far still to go...I just up & quit.
Not quitting to truly quit, but temporary quitting 'cause life happens. The start of new schedules for fall, a bunch of playdates for the younger kiddos, work on the house (still under construction after almost 2 years)...just family-life-stuff.
And also? Also because I'm afraid. Life is hectic with seven children and home schooling and nursing the baby and paying bills and laundry and working on the house... And in the midst of hectic life, I'm afraid that I don't really have anything to say. I'm afraid that even what I do say is silly or irrelevant, and I'll just end up embarrassing myself.
Insecurity. Doubt. Fear.
Pride.
When it comes down to it, I tend to be more concerned about what others think of me...than of my husband's urging, or my own ideas, or even the calling I feel from God.
When it comes down to it, I tend to let pride - disguised as fear - get in the way of my dreams.
In some strange, fallen-humanity way, it is easier to be fearful & cautious & passive, than to just rise up and be who God made me to be. Because I'm afraid to be who God made me to be. 'Cause I wanna be who people want me to be, y'know?
What if God wants me to be weird? Or risky? Or offensive? I'd rather keep my pride intact, and play it safe, and keep my make-up brushes handy.
Jesus talks about trees planted by water, bearing fruit...and lilies of the field arrayed in His glory...and each little bird that He cares for. God's creations, that are just His glory, doing what they do. I mean, the lily doesn't gaze up at the apple tree and worry about her pollen not comparing as well, next to those red apples. The lily just is. It grows & blossoms & pollinates...doing what God designed it to do. And even next to a bountiful apple tree, the delicate lily is purposeful, beautiful, glorious, in its simplicity. Can you imagine the lily being too insecure, in the shade of the apple tree, too insecure to bloom??? Can you imagine the lily refusing to rise up & be what it is, 'cause its too afraid, too doubting, too proud?
I guess what I'm saying is that it's just stupid to let fear & insecurity keep me from doing what God would have me do. Who am I to be so desperate to protect my pride, to fold in on myself, cautious, doubtful, playing-it-safe? I don't want to be that withered lily.
Lifting my face to the sunshine, putting myself out there - it feels naked. Its risky. But the alternative is so much worse.
And just maybe, if I trust God's design,
and risk striving to be what He calls,
I might
eventually
bloom.
Not quitting to truly quit, but temporary quitting 'cause life happens. The start of new schedules for fall, a bunch of playdates for the younger kiddos, work on the house (still under construction after almost 2 years)...just family-life-stuff.
And also? Also because I'm afraid. Life is hectic with seven children and home schooling and nursing the baby and paying bills and laundry and working on the house... And in the midst of hectic life, I'm afraid that I don't really have anything to say. I'm afraid that even what I do say is silly or irrelevant, and I'll just end up embarrassing myself.
Insecurity. Doubt. Fear.
Pride.
When it comes down to it, I tend to be more concerned about what others think of me...than of my husband's urging, or my own ideas, or even the calling I feel from God.
When it comes down to it, I tend to let pride - disguised as fear - get in the way of my dreams.
In some strange, fallen-humanity way, it is easier to be fearful & cautious & passive, than to just rise up and be who God made me to be. Because I'm afraid to be who God made me to be. 'Cause I wanna be who people want me to be, y'know?
What if God wants me to be weird? Or risky? Or offensive? I'd rather keep my pride intact, and play it safe, and keep my make-up brushes handy.
Jesus talks about trees planted by water, bearing fruit...and lilies of the field arrayed in His glory...and each little bird that He cares for. God's creations, that are just His glory, doing what they do. I mean, the lily doesn't gaze up at the apple tree and worry about her pollen not comparing as well, next to those red apples. The lily just is. It grows & blossoms & pollinates...doing what God designed it to do. And even next to a bountiful apple tree, the delicate lily is purposeful, beautiful, glorious, in its simplicity. Can you imagine the lily being too insecure, in the shade of the apple tree, too insecure to bloom??? Can you imagine the lily refusing to rise up & be what it is, 'cause its too afraid, too doubting, too proud?
I guess what I'm saying is that it's just stupid to let fear & insecurity keep me from doing what God would have me do. Who am I to be so desperate to protect my pride, to fold in on myself, cautious, doubtful, playing-it-safe? I don't want to be that withered lily.
Lifting my face to the sunshine, putting myself out there - it feels naked. Its risky. But the alternative is so much worse.
And just maybe, if I trust God's design,
and risk striving to be what He calls,
I might
eventually
bloom.
