Happy Birthday to me.
Yep, for the 43rd time.
Really?
Time is such a weird thing. Sometimes it feels all stretched out & molasses-slow, like when I'm waiting on Nekoda to just finish his stinkin' 3am poop so I can wipe his adorable, pain-in-the-neck-hiney and stumble bleary-eyed back to bed. But other times it sorta folds in on itself, like a time-warp-accordian-map...one minute I'm here, and the next minute I'm...wholly crap, all the way here? Wha...? What happened to all the pages in between???
So I've had this bummer revelation lately that I still tend to function like an insecure, applause-seeking, popularity-striving 15-yr-old, when I'm in new situations. Get me outta my comfort zone...and suddenly I'm back in time, in this ridonkulous time-warp kinda thing, acting all pre-pubescent. It's not even remotely cute.
You'd think, after thousands of dollars of counseling, I'd have this figured out. But I think I'm finally learning to just quit berating myself about it, and let the Holy Spirit peel back yet another layer. Bring it on.
Ouch.
ouch!
I mean, what the heck, do I really think I'll ever arrive?
Umm, no. Not so much.
So I sit here, at 43-going-on-15, and try to absorb the grace-filled words of Jesus. Up on the mountain, disciples sitting close, multitudes spread before Him, He opened His mouth to speak:
Git yer crap together, people! What the heck's the matter with you??
Oh, no - not that. Sorry, that's just this green-smoke-liar-voice I keep hearing. What? Don't you hear that voice sometimes too?
Okay, now here's what He really said:
Where do I get the idea I'm supposed to have it all together??? As if I'm gonna finally reach the point that I don't screw up anymore? As if I'm gonna climb mount-wisdom and never have another regret? 'Cause seriously, people who go thru life without regrets, living on mount-wisdom, having it all together...they are missing something so vital. Jesus.
I don't wanna miss Jesus.
If I have to go back-in-time periodically, so God can cut me back in another pruning, well, so be it. Feeling 15 again? A little poor-in-spirit? Bring it on.
Oh, but let me never be so confidently-43 that I don't need Jesus.
The thing about this time-warp effect is its got this amnesia-kinda deal going on too. I find myself repeating hurtful habits, entrenched from way back when I was a kid. And I don't even recognize it! Weirder still...I thought I kicked that habit a decade ago, back in the first round of savings-account-sucking therapy.
Yet here I am again, berating myself like a teenage girl.
The words of my own mouth are so often my worst enemy. I wonder - as I think back to so much "you're-not-good-enough" programming I grew up with - if I beat myself up 'cause it just feels psychotically-comfortable to keep smacking those same well-worn bruises.
When I make a mistake, and I'm quick to berate myself, then I beat everyone else to the punch, y'know? It feels oh-so-much-better to smack myself...than to risk the 'beating' from someone else.
I suppose the thing I need to learn is grace. To stop beating myself up, right? To listen to the tender voice of Jesus saying, "where are your accusers? and I don't condemn you either; go & leave these hurtful, sinful habits."
Maybe a simple, "ooops, I messed that up!" would suffice. Instead of the tirade of self-flagellation. I think I'd be surprised at how no one else beats me up either. And then perhaps those bruises would finally begin to heal.
Until God starts peeling back another layer...and I find myself at 50-going-on-12...
Ever & always, in desperate need of Jesus.
Been hit with any time-warps lately? Outbursts of adolescence?
