
I'm grading history pages when you come up behind me. Snow falls thickly outside, covering the ground in a fresh layer of clean, bright white. I'm humming the tune we sang in church, only vaguely aware of this present peace.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.
In one swift movement, you peel back the neckline of my t-shirt, and brush your lips against my shoulder. In that spot. That one decadent, utterly-intimate, completely non-sexual place on my skin that somehow connects all the way to my soul, tingles down my spine, and warms the most private places of my body.
How is it, after all these years, you can still do that to me?
After all that has come between us; the trials and hurt and failures?
After all I've said? After all I've done?
So much hurt; my words have gashed, gouged, left your wounds gaping.
And still, you come to me, forgiving, and seeking forgiveness. Mercy drips from your touch; grace lavished with tender kisses, and gentle hands upon my face. How is it that you can forgive my attacking, accusing, angry words...dagger poised for revenge at 11pm?
You want to.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.
Somehow, in the debt-paid, nitty-gritty-forgiveness of Jesus,
You want to love me.
You want to forget my slicing, scathing sin.
You want to forgive.
You really want to.

I look at my ring, and I remember: the ways you rushed ahead, dragging me along, stumbling, scraping, bleeding. I recall resentments: building, stacking, a towering wall of heavy bricks to come crashing down around me, cutting, bruising. One false move, and I can taste again the bitter-red, choking brick-dust; expectantly waiting for the familiar implosion of past wrongs.
How do I get past the sting of blood on the knees? The memory of circumstantial, pushing-me-out, gravity-reality, crash and burn?
I want to.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.
Somehow in the merciful, freely-given presence of Jesus,
I want to love you.
I want to forget the risk, loss, loneliness.
I want to forgive.
I really want to.
And it's even more than that.
'Cause I want to be giddy in love with you.
I want to look across the room at you and see your face light up. I want to be amazed by the way you run your business. I want to look good in jeans for you. I want to love the way you look in jeans. I want to be your fantasy lover. I want you to lead me, to lead this family. I want to memorize scripture with you. I want to do church with you. I want to be the church with you. I want to want you. I want to trust you. I want to be inspired by you. I want to respect you. I want to hear you. I want to spend time with you. I want you to desire my time. I want to plan with you. I want to see the farther-vision with you. I want to regret with you. I want to weep with you. I want to repent with you. I want to forgive you. I want to seek your forgiveness. I want to comfort you. I want to encourage you. I want to love kissing you, long and slow and passionate. I want to seek with you. I want to grow with you. I want to dream with you. I want to parent with you. I want to grandparent with you. I want to get away from the kids, and take date-nights with you. I want to work with you. I want to defer. I want to get over it. I want to reconnect. I want to deal with conflict. I want to seek conflict resolution. I want to serve with you. I want to serve you. I want to graciously receive your serving. I want to inspire you. I want to pray with you. I want to worship with you. I want to see Jesus in you. I want you to see Jesus in me. I want you to be the one, the one, the only one for me. I want to be the only one for you.
Just to name a few.
I want to...
and so I do.
It's more than just loving you.
It's that I want to love you.
For too many years, the want-to was guilt-fueled and all about self-preservation. I wanted to find fault in you, to expect your failure. If I could blame you for the pain in my life, then I wasn't culpable. If the house and the finances and the children and the mess of our life was your fault...then I was innocent, righteous, simply a victim.
Life is hard, there is pain; someone must be to blame.
I wanted to be right. Which meant, I wanted you to be wrong.
I wanted to be innocent. Which meant, I wanted to blame you.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.

I'm not sure when my eyes began to see. Washed clean, one layer at a time, I suppose. One painful layer at a time. And even now, lest I speak naive, or proud, I know I still see dimly. There are so many more layers yet to scrub away.
But for now, I want to see truth, and light, shining; excavating these dark recesses of my soul. I want to see the best in you, I want to be my best for you, my Kevin.
I want to love you, not blame you.
I want to respect your successes, not expect your failures.
I want to speak the best of you, knowing the power of my words.
I want to desire the brush of your lips against my shoulder;
I want to feel this tingle of our two-decades love affair, heating up my body and soul.
The grace of Christ has brought us so far, my Kevin, so far. Washing white-as-snow, the stain of our sin. Even just since last February, our marriage is so much fitter, stronger.
Changing our want to has made such a difference.
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Linking up with Amber Haines at The RunaMuck for Marriage Letters, and with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for 'Five-Minute Friday', even tho I wrote this post over something like FIVE DAYS instead of 5-minutes. I know I'm a total cheater; but Lisa-Jo is seriously cool, and I grab any chance I can get to link up with her!!! I promise, LJ, I'll play fair next time...
Any want-to you need to change? Where do you see His mercy white-as-snow in your life?