Stumbling Around in The Light

Launching The New Year

Yeah, I know, we're already halfway thru January...

but this week felt like the launching of the new year.

Monday was our first day back into all the busyness of home school lessons, cottage school, youth group, extracurricular classes. 

Early mornings tend to be just a teeny bit cranky around here, especially for certain teenagers who spent the last two weeks enjoying late nights watching 'Lord of The Rings' and sleeping-in till 10am.  Hiking to the high school for 1st & 2nd period part-time classes at 7:15am, uphill-both-ways-in-the-snow (you think I'm kidding??) is, ummm...welllll, let's just say the toddlers in the house aren't the only ones with a whining issue.

Oh - you thought I was talking about the teenagers?  Well, maybe them too - but seriously, Kevin & I are the ones whining.  So much pleading & persuasion for a ride to class.  So much driving.  So much busyness. The hurried rush to get breakfast, make sack-lunches, prepare backpacks, get some out the door, then turn around and face home school lessons with others.  The days feel so crowded; I can't see my way.  Where is the peace we used to enjoy with home schooling?  This straddling-the-fence, half-cross-ways between home schooling and cottage school and part-time classes and extracurricular activities...is just. not. working. 
(okay, be honest, aren't ya rolling your eyes at all my whining???)

So - we're recalibrating.  The pace of last semester was NOT sustainable.  Over the last few months, Kevin & I have learned a valuable lesson:

If it's not sustainable, it's not gonna work.

Even more harsh, and true?

If it's not sustainable, it leads to sin.

Trying to sustain a pace of pleasing all seven of my children, my friends, family, husband...adhering to cultural expectations at every-other turn...and striving for 'perfect'...is not sustainable.  And - duh! - you know as well as I do -
all that self-reliant striving & perfectionism & people-pleasing leads to the worst kind of looks-good, deliciously-insidious sin. 

pride
impatience
judgement
frustration
criticism
discontent
anger
just to name a few...

That is a stinking, rotten-on-the-vine kinda way to live.
Not exactly the fruit I wanna cultivate in my life, and in my home.

So here we go, launching the new for this year.
With new hopes;
new plans,
new relinquishing,
new intentions,
new deferring,
new dreams,
new peace,
just to name a few...

We're dropping some of the cottage school classes, rearranging the pick-up schedules.  Taking an afternoon for some 'Come Away With Me' time, to read, write, pray, think.  Adding a worship dance class, just for my soul.

Rejoicing in the promise:
Even as I struggle in my people-pleasing,
He gives more grace.

Yeah, I've had a bit of a slow start...
And now I'm ready to launch. 

So what are you launching this year?  Anything you need to let go of?

 

Pushing To Failure

"Pushing to failure is the only way to measure what you are capable of."

I was skimming thru his blog post, and then there it was.
Stopped me cold.  Eyes fixed; reading & re-reading that single sentence.

The whole paragraph, really.  Grabs me.  Convicting, inspiring.

"Not had any big failures in your life? Then with all due respect, you haven’t tried much and/or haven’t come close to achieving all you were created to be.
Pushing to failure is the only way to measure what you are capable of."

'Cause I don't really push that hard.  Just to the point of getting uncomfortable...then I quit.

I mean, who likes to fail?  Easier to say, "oh, I'm so tired; my knee hurts, I'll just walk for awhile..."  But to keep running, to keep pushing, until I actually fall from exhaustion, until I actually run out of strength, until I puke from the sheer overexertion, and still barely reach the finish line?  Have I ever?

(Okay, well, yeah...seven times, with childbirth; but it's not like there are any easy-way-out options there...)

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us...

Do we really have much endurance?  In our posh, comfortable, westernized society?

I don't think so.  When the going gets hard, we head to Starbucks.  When my life is in shambles, I need pie.  Had a hard day?  Bring me a glass of sweet red Pinolem wine...

With this back-to-school insanity we're in, I already feel pushed to the limit.  I mean, it is seriously redonkulous.  I'm creating individual schedules for the three older kids (6th, 10th, & 10th grades), to outline their different activities, part-time classes, chores, and blocks of home school lessons.  Then another schedule for the younger boys (kinder & 1st), and a 'master schedule' for me, to juggle all the different home school lessons, naptimes with little ones (1 & almost 3), chauffering to different sports & music classes.  It feels too much, too full.

And I haven't even seriously launched into all their home school lessons!!

When things get crazy I tend to speak lies like this:
I've had enough!
I can not take anymore of this!
I'm overwhelmed!

But really?  I can't run any harder? any further?

I think I can.  I think I really can do all these things I'm called to, thru Christ who strengthens me, to walk worthy of my calling.  I think I really can run this race with endurance, running to win the prize.  Not just to drag in at the end...but to endure, and run with strength, with words of love & encouragement, with patience I couldn't possibly possess on my own.

'Cause this is giving up:
"I don't care if it won't fit in your backpack; get in the car right this minute before I chunk that show-&-tell airplane right into the garbage!!"

I can do better than that.

I wanna push harder.  Even if I fail along the way.
I wanna find out what I'm really capable of. 
And I think it's alot more than I realize.

Anywhere you need to run with a little more endurance?
Have you ever pushed all the way to failure, and truly measured what you're capable of?

Feeling Fullish

Haven't posted in ages.

Pondered feeling guilty about it, but decided I had better things to do with my attitude.

Like practicing gratitude.  And remembering to get back up when I fail down. (no, that wasn't a typo.)  And filling up on the harvest of late summer wildflower-beauty & green-Aspen-splendor & high-mountain-sunshine & farmer's-market-produce & blue-sky-breezes & one-more-morning of sleeping in...

The summer has been so full.

Full with visitors.
Full with adventures.
Full with family.
Full with 'barefoot running.'
Full with trying to finish the house.
Full with farmer's-market booths.
Full with plenty of not-doing-much-of-anything but hangin' out...

And now here we are, rushing headlong into the school year.

Fuller than ever.

Redecorating the school room; getting kids all registered & ready to go for cross country, violin, art, choir, graphic design, piano, biology, mother's-day-out (whew!); planning curriculum for home school lessons -

Two 10th graders
6th grader
1st grader
kindergartner
preschooler
and baby on the hip.

Feeling fullish.
But really, what am I so busy with?
Busy with life & love & seeking Him & learning a little of what it means to simultaneously grow and shrink and stretch and share.

And finding unexpected delight in school-supplies-aisle laughter with my eleven year old daughter...stopping mid-road to watch a rust-colored, black-socked fox saunter up thru the school-yard...marveling as God's glorious pallet of sunset hues frame the Peak, while little broken-arm Serene 'oohs' & 'ahhs' in the back seat. 

Can I eat it all up?  Devour every moment, every morsel of cuddling with little Nekoda, every rare delicacy of my teenagers' shared conversations, every savory bite of this full life?  And to taste, savor, truly relish the whirlwind of activity? 

It's so much to take in. 
Full to overflowing. 
Delicious.  Extravagant.  Decadent.

Yeah, I'm feeling fullish.















What was your summer full with?
And now, with your full-on back-to-school season...how's that going?

  Linking up with Soli Deo Gloria, and Jen at Finding Heaven.

Sunshine Giddiness

Summertime...and the livin' is easy...

Can we give a collective leap of joy???

DONE with crazy-busy schedules, done with home school lessons, done with winter.  I know, I should be talking about the segue from Spring, but seriously, just over a week ago, it was SNOWING.

So we missed Spring completely; so what.  Living above 9000 feet in elevation, in the mountains of Colorado, sometimes April and May get lost amidst mud and sleet and graupel and snow-on-dandelions-insanity.  But that's okay.  The other 10 months of the year are stellar.  And a Colorado, high-mountain summer?  Girl, you haven't really lived until you've experienced the sunshine giddiness of June, July, & August in the Rocky Mountains!!

Started the summer with a visit from our dear friend Ronnie Freeman.  We used to be neighbors with Ronnie & Leslie, when we lived in an old farmhouse in Franklin, TN...and God has divinely grown our friendship over the years.  Such a treasure to reconnect with him, hear about his new musical projects, and just laugh together as if not a day had passed since we last shared a cup of coffee. 

Oh.  And.  You will be missing a great-big-enormous blessing if you don't take a minute to go check out his new music - Perfect Love, available now on itunes, or thru Ronnie's online store.

Have spent the past week filled-to-the-brim with....ummm...nuthin'!  Playing outside, jumping on the trampoline, hiking, talking, visiting with friends.  All the joys of summertime...ahhh...

Now we're packing up for a mini-vacation in Estes Park with my sister Tami & her husband Bob, their seven kiddos, and my Mom.  Yes, you counted right, that's fourteen children altogether.  Three solid days of cousining, hiking, rafting, horseback riding; fun, fun, fun!!!  Oh - and I got the deal of the century:  she is paying for the 'cabin' (a gorgeous, 5k+ sq foot lodge), and I'm providing all the meals.  Works out great, 'cause I really like to cook, and knowing the price of the lodge...ahem...I oughta be servin' some seriously gourmet meals!!

Anyway - we're super excited to be heading out for a road-trip in the 'mo-home' (our 1986, ain't-we-white-trash, Chevy Champion Telstar) and the first of our summer adventures. 

Something about the soul-warming sunshine and the time to enjoy it draws my heart to holy gratitude.  I know God is there, even there, amidst the muddy season.  I know that.  But here, under this azure blue sky?  I can almost reach out and touch Him!!

"Be glad in the Lord and rejoice you righteous ones, and shout for joy..."       -- Psalm 32:11

I
love
summer.

Just sayin'.

So, what fun plans do you have for the summer???  C'mon, share a bit of sunshine giddiness with me...

Spending Time

Just.

Don't.

Have.

Time.

And there's the lie.  'Cause we all have the same hours in the day.  The bottom line is, I didn't choose to spend time on __________ (fill in the blank).

So I've been spending time on other things.  Choosing those things; creating priorities from the organic flow of life.
Working with Creative Team at my church, on our Holy Week services. 
Writing a script for the drama/skit we're doing Sunday, and the sequal for Good Friday. 
Singing with worship team for a women's conference this past weekend. 
Pushing my husband out the door for a 'work intensive' to get some of his own writing & creating done. 
Getting all our tax stuff together (a collective, "ugh!").
Watching a movie with my children instead of opening the computer.
Memorizing the book of James.
Seeking God, out in the mountains.

And that's okay.  Choosing different things, different priorities.  Flexing with new opportunities.  Isn't it...?

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting..."

If I pray with faith that God will direct my steps, and then a friend stops by and interrupts my agenda...is it an interruption? 

If I ask Him for wisdom, without doubting, for direction in our home-school lessons, and we get no further than sight-words-practice, did I miss it?

Who's agenda is it anyway?

Guilt awaits me in dark moments; whispering accusations, comparisons. 

So I squirm and blame and excuse.  And with the pride of busyness I claim, "I've just not had time!"

But don't believe the lie; 'cause I had time.  Twenty four hours in the day to spend.  Just like you.  Now if I can just trust and believe it has been spent according to His purposes...

What have you been spending your time on lately?  Has the accuser been trying to feed you lies about it?

The Intoxicating Aroma of More

So I'm digging into the Word, and pressing into God,
praying, seeking wisdom, crying out...

and realize that I'm also digging myself deeper & deeper into frustration.

'Cause really?  With all the praying & memorizing scripture?  I'm mostly looking at what's-in-it-for-me.  I don't mean to, of course.  I mean to be seeking Jesus, for a closer walkalong.  And yet...when I really get down to the hardcore truth...I can hardly help myself from wanting that Jesus-intimacy to bring me the end result of happiness, comfort, easier circumstances.

Isn't that the sweet-smelling lie we inhale, like the very air we breathe, here in opulent American society?  The lie of the god of mammon.  We worship at the feet of Comfort, Success, Happiness.

How can I help myself?  Everything in our western christian-culture paints pictures of abundant life, happiness overflowing, success dripping from our name-brand, tithe-paying, ever-purchasing pockets.  How can I resist this deliciously-scented, imperceptibly-oppressive, intoxicatingly-opulent promise of the deceiver?  How do you?

I guess recognizing it is a step in the right direction.  And yeah, despite my knee-jerk longing for easier circumstances, memorizing scripture has been a step in the right direction too.  But, dang, it's just hard.  Hard to be truly, deeply grateful, amidst this culture of ceaseless craving.

Yesterday was a meltdown day.  My feet were cranky the moment they hit the floor, and even with good-Mommy-intentioned hugs & kisses for everyone in the morning, by 10am cranky-feet had morphed into crab-ankles, then crabby-legs, and midway thru kindergarten phonics and first-grade subtraction, there was a lobster-clawed, evil-octopus-tentacled monster-woman in the house. 

Cue terrifically-trying-two-year-old Serene:
"Mommeeeee...help me dowwwwwnnn..."
Lobster-clawed-octopus-monster-woman stomps upstairs.
Commence screaming-banshee soundtrack.  No, not the child screaming.
Blue acrylic craft paint all over child, table, clothing. 

(And no, I did NOT say anything about 'the terrible twos.'  I didn't!  What?  You think I'm thinking that?  Who me?)

Oh.  Just for perspective, gals?  This morning I got my monthly-visit from Aunty-No-You're-Not-Pregnant.  Let's just say it's a good thing Kevin is a stay-at-home, self-employed Daddy...otherwise Serene might have been flushed all the way to the Pacific by now.

Anyway.  You get the picture.  Yesterday was rough.  And yesterday I thought I was mad at God.  Yesterday I told myself, "I can't handle all this!  I'm overwhelmed!  My life is unmanageable!"  I was ready to quit.  home schooling.  extracurricular activities.  laundry.  cooking.  diapers.  getting out of bed in the morning.  everything. 

I de-lobster-clawed myself enough to go to creative arts team meeting - one of my favorite church activities.  Surrounded by beautifully-flawed, humbly-wise friends, I was finally able to see thru the deceiver's smoke-cloud.  God spoke, patiently, quietly, pointing us to Truth.

And God showed me this:
I can't handle all this.
I am overwhelmed.
My life is unmanageable.

I'm mad at the liar.  And I've had enough of his sweet-smelling lies.

So that is why I seek Jesus for a closer walkalong.  This is my calling, with all it's trials & tribulations.  Seven kids.  Home schooling.  Health-nut vegetarian.  Crazy straw-bale house.  Free-agent-visionary-self-employed husband.  Extreme mountain lifestyle.  Deeply invested friendships.  Rollercoaster-passionate marriage.  And Jesus is enough for all that.

If I can stop breathing in the intoxicating aroma of more...the deceiver's lie of mammon-worship...

If I can embrace my calling...and stop shaking my fist like the wilderness-rebellious Israelites...

The lie tells me home schooling should be easier, more peaceful, more lovely, more fulfilling, more successful than sending the kids to public school.  The lie is the intoxicating aroma of more, more, MORE.  But what if not?  What if this life is my calling, and it's just hard?  It's hard to juggle a baby, a toddler, kindergarten, 1st grade, 5th grade, and try to pretend I'm not a total moron when the two oldest kids ask me about 10th grade geometry. 

I mean, seriously!  Who am I kidding?  There is nothing easy or peaceful or lovely or fulfilling about reviewing how-to-find-averages, while simultaneously sounding out digraphs, sending a toddler to the time-out chair, and changing a poopy diaper.  (Yeah, you know that's what home schooling really looks like.  Mmhmm, I hear you.  Calgon, take me away, too.)

My friend Laura is a missionary in Thailand.  Sounds glamorous, right?  Well, it's not.  It's hot.  and miserable.  and buggy.  and really hard on their kids.  and the whole thing they were going for didn't turn out to be quite what they thought.  But the deal is, it's their calling.  I know their hearts, and even if their original perspective was a little too optimistically-hopeful, they are right where God called them to be.  In the midst of hardship.

In fact, I can't find one single Biblical story where someone followed God's call and everything just worked out perfectly and they became successful, comfortable, happy, obstacle-free... It's a lie, my friends.

If my God-pursuit is really a pursuit of the intoxicating-deception of more, I will forever be ungrateful, unhappy, unfulfilled.

But if my God-pursuit is seeking His Presence, seeking Wisdom, to help me walk thru the inevitable storms of this overwhelming life...then I might have a chance to be overwhelmed by gratitude.

At the very least, it might help keep me from apoplectic fits of fury when blue paint spontaneously appears on used-to-be-the-cutest pink toddler-pants. 

Maybe, just maybe, seeking the Lord will grow just enough of a flicker of His light in me that my kids catch a glimpse of it.  That at the end of a meltdown day they would be compelled to stay up late and make cards and notes and colored-hearts and signs for the wall..."We love you, Mommy and Daddy!" -  "Thank you for working so hard!" -  "Thank you for loving us so much!" - "You're the best Mommy and Daddy ever!"

And that is more, so much more, than I should even be able to hope for, to dream of.  Not the more of the deceiver.  The More of Grace, the overflow of Gratitude. 

Jesus showed up in the creative fingers of my Eliza, the slender arms of my Autumn, the strong legs of my Caleb; He whispered encouragement thru yarn strung on ceiling fans, "I've called you to this, my beloved, and I know it's hard, and I'm here for you, loving you, even when you fall apart." 

Does it get any better than this? 
Gratitude overflows, Grace abounds.  Today I can breathe the free air of His Presence.

Tomorrow might be hard again.  The deceiver will be blowing green smoke in my ears, whispering intoxication, "you deserve more than this; you should have more 'me-time'; you got the short end of the stick and everyone else has more, more, more..."   I think I'll block it out with words from James.  Maybe I'll crank up Ronnie Freeman on the stereo.

How do you resist the intoxicating aroma of more?

The Core

I recently heard someone talking about a fairly new movie, where the world comes apart at the seams 'cause the core loses its ability to hold everything together.

That's how I've been feeling lately. 
Coming apart at the seams. 
Lost the ability to hold it all together.

What I didn't realize until yesterday is that the problem was my core.

Intellectually, I know that God is my core; my faith in & pursuit of Jesus Christ.  And tightly intertwined with that is my marriage.

Everything else hinges on that core.  Everything.  And in the past couple of weeks, everything was coming unhinged...

As we headed into the new, busy fall schedule, with our neatly organized juggling of chores, caring for little ones, home school lessons, and the re-introduction of special activities for the kids - I forgot to make 'the core' my priority. 

It had been days & days since I'd gone out to spend time alone with God.  I was too busy. 
It had been days & days since I'd spent any one-on-one time with Kevin.  I was too busy.

And so I had a core meltdown, and my little world started to shift & quake...volcanic eruptions of anger, floods of frustrated tears...  It was showing up everywhere: the house has been a wreck, the little ones have been fussy, bills went overdue, and I actually ended up physically ill (head cold morphed into sinus infection). 

The worst was seeing it in my oldest three kids.  Eliza, almost 11, goes into nurturing overdrive, helping with the little ones, hugging me alot, asking how to help; she feels the stress & 'over-functions' to compensate.  Autumn, 14, does the opposite; she mirrors my cranky attitude, defies my calls for help, rolls her eyes, and generally 'under-functions' in response to the family anxiety.  Caleb, 15, simply withdraws; he pulls inside himself, becoming silent & unresponsive, escaping to his room to play guitar, and quietly 'distances' from all the chaos & stress.

At first I felt so mad at Autumn, so frustrated with Caleb...and then, thankfully, God opened my eyes to the truth.  They were simply responding to the disintegration of the core.  My core.  And here's the hard truth:  as the Mommy, my core is the core for this family. 

But interestingly, it took Kevin's pushing for me to see that I had let those core priorities slip.  Which leads to the next hard truth:  my husband IS part of my core.  So dealing with my core, means dealing with my marriage, which means -
the core of this family is my core PLUS Kevin's core...
irreversibly,
intricately,
eternally,
intertwined.

The Lord is helping coagulate my core again.  Things are settling back into place.  I've taken time to just be with God, to seek His peace & love & Presence.  And Kevin pushed on some marriage issues that had been bubbling under the surface, and finally erupted from the added stress-pressure.  It's been a hard couple of days...but really good.

The frustrating thing is that I know this will come again.  Another spell of stress will bring us to another point of meltdown...and we'll all suffer.  Yet I have to believe we'll also be made stronger for it.  And maybe we learn a little more every time, get a little more core-strength.

So I'll be keeping an eye on my core:
My God.  And my Marriage.

Everything else hinges on it.

Everything.

Had any core meltdowns lately?

Its That FALL Time Again

9-21-07

 Ahhh...back to school, right? Golden days, crisp nights, the glory of autumn... But wait! There's more!! More of everything! More math, more reading, more homework, more research papers and art projects and science experiments and history books and test taking. More colds and flu and runny noses, more ear infections, more pediatrician appointments, more prescriptions to pick up, more garlic to dice up (its a natural antibiotic, y'know?), more lotion-coated-tissues. More classes & programs & meetings & conferences & chauffeuring & tanks of three-dollar-a-gallon-gasoline.

 And there are less of things too. Less time in the morning for conversation or breakfast, less of the family time we enjoyed in the summer, less of the sleep I thought I needed, less time with my husband to talk or laugh or connect or kiss. And less money, of course, 'cause of all those "more" things.

 Which brings us to our far-more honest, slang-term for autumn: FALL. Maybe your family thrives at this time of year. Maybe you all love the sudden onset of busy schedules and hectic pace and frantic, unfulfilled groping in the night that fizzles out with a headache or a snore. But for me, this time of year just feels like I'm FALLing.

 Sure, I love the golden days and the crisp nights, the smokey "vacation-land" smell of home fires burning. But I'm just so darned burned-out myself I can hardly appreciate it all! Summer always creeps up on me...the slowly simmering heat, the lazy days, ahhh... But in September, it seems like autumn just FALLs on me, crushing me with the sudden onslaught of extra responsibilities and expenses. I look around for my husband and find that he is equally squashed under the weight of the FALL schedule and budget and expectations.

 But then I remember..."oh yeah...I felt this way last year too..." And I remember that it got better. October rolls around and the new schedule begins to feel like comfortable routine. I somehow figure out how to take a morning stroll again, little boys tucked & cozy in the double stroller, and the sky is so blue! The base of Pikes Peak is dotted with the first of golden Aspens, glinting and shimmering in the crisp breeze...ahhh!

 So I'm going to get up from my FALLen place now. I'm going to dust myself off, and launch back into the crazy-busy schedule, and think of ways to tweak it so that we all have a bit more peace, and time, and margin. And I'm going to hug the kids extra hard, and say I'm sorry for being so crabby, and go searching for my husband.

 Maybe I'll find him buried under a pile of leaves...or bills...but we'll find one another. Perhaps we'll take a walk, and hold hands, and carve out a moment for a kiss. Then the autumn moon will glint in my eyes, and I'll forget about my headache, and he'll remind me that this was the season, 15 years ago, of FALLing in love. And maybe, just maybe, I'll FALL all over again, in a new, beautiful, golden, shimmering, vacation-land way.